Feel free to fill in your own joke.
Over the past two days, NRA TV has gone after both law enforcement for bungling the shooting and media outlets for calling for more expansive gun laws. Host Dan Bongino accused the New York Daily News of being both “pure filth” and “not worthy of collecting dog excrement”—aka actual filth. Host Dana Loesch called for protesters to march “to the FBI offices” for its failure to act on the numerous reports it received that the shooter, Nikolas Cruz, was dangerous and potentially unstable. Grant Stinchfield, another NRA TV host, added his thoughts on the Fourth Estate on Monday, suggesting reporters were eager for another shooting to push a gun control agenda.
I was wondering when this would happen. Also wondering if the jack-booted-thugs of the government will come to take away their guns.
Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s Minister of Truth, said, “This proves that Americans need more automatic weapons.”
Alex Jones of Infowars said the shooting was a “false flag” operation designed to make the Alt Right look bad. “The whole thing was staged by Hillary Clinton’s ‘deep state’ operatives, operating out of a pedophile pizzeria in D.C.”
“O God, puhleeze let Dick Cheney bring his shotgun to Quicken Loans Arena (where the Republican convention will be staged) so he can shoot some more Republican donors.”
Daniel E. Musso Sr., 54, of East Kingston, New Hampshire, who wants to get back to the “original Constitution,” was arrested by the FBI on Wednesday after he purchased grenades from an undercover agent, telling him he had another $200,000 on hand to buy C-4 explosives and “rocket-type stuff.”
Here at the Biteme International Headquarters and Hot Dog Emporium, we love the idea of returning to the original constitution. Just think of it:
- We can own slaves!
- No more pesky women voters!
- No more income tax!
- But poll taxes are back!
- No more Interstate Highways!
- And the return of the privately owned toll road!
- No more Pure Food and Drug Act!
- No more Sherman Antitrust Act!
- No more child labor laws!
- No more Environmental Protection Agency!
- No more direct voting for Senate!
- No more Second Amendment!
And, finally, my personal favorite:
- Unlimited presidential terms for Obama!
The NRA says it’s just trying to protect the rights of law-abiding citizens to buy guns — even if their names appear on a terror watch list.
Apparently the NRA has a non-discrimination policy when it comes to gun ownership. Current laws have allowed more than 2,000 suspects on the FBI’s Terror Watchlist to legally purchase weapons from 2004 and 2014, but the NRA is stalling a bill in Congress that would make it harder for people on the list to get guns.
The Oath Keepers are an anti-government group that claims they’re defending the U.S. Constitution. Big whoop.
But when they announce that they will arm blacks in Ferguson, Missouri, that’s when I get interested. Apparently they believe that the Second Amendment is not just for white people.
CLEVELAND (AP) — Relatives of a 12-year-old boy who was killed by police asked Monday for their lawsuit against two officers to not be delayed and questioned why the criminal investigation remains pending more than five months after the shooting.
Five months seems like an awful long time to me. On the other hand, the kid was brandishing a replica of a semi-automatic handgun, with the orange tip removed. In other words, the police had every reason to believe the kid was reaching for a lethal weapon.
Moral: If it looks like a weapon, expect the police to treat it like a weapon.
Dear Bitemaster: Where can I go and shoot off my pistol in a church without getting in trouble?
Answer: Get thee to the Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament in Altoona, PA. But keep in mind that
- The gun must be legal
- You must try to hide the gun after you fire it
- You must fire immediately before or after genuflecting.