Fourteenth Amendment versus DOMA – Supreme Judicial Activism

It’s time for another installment of Professor H.O. Hell’s Constitutional Lectures You Wish You Didn’t Read.


In this case, we’re covering the relatively recent strikedown of the Defense of Marriage Act by the Supreme Court. One of the cornerstones of the argument against DOMA was that the Fourteenth Amendment guarantees rights to all. It’s even sort of true. Sort of. The thing is that it goes only one way. It protects citizens from States interfering in rights granted by the Federal government. It was part of the reforms rammed down the throats of the South after the Civil War (you need to rejoin the Union and we won’t let you unless you agree to these Amendments).

The point here is that the Fourteenth Amendment was intended as a way to stop Jim Crow. As we all know, that failed wonderfully because of judicial activism which ruled that it only applied to the federal government. It’s hard to understand how they kept a straight face while presenting that decision. People think judicial activism is entirely something perpetrated by liberals trying to make the world a better place and forget that many things have plenty of history with “conservative” persons (perhaps stagnant reactionaries would be a better term).

Setting all that aside, the Fourteenth Amendment was the point of this article. I’m not saying that the right to marry shouldn’t be spread evenly (why shouldn’t everyone have the right to suffer equally–ha ha ha), but that the foundation for that should not be sought within the Fourteenth Amendment which says nothing about the federal government giving equal protections. If, on the other hand, you want to know why Extraordinary Rendition is unconstitutional, you can always find it there.


And now that you know, you can’t unknow it.

Professor H.O. Hell

Breaking News: Ted Cruz an Illegal!

Bad news for Ted Cruz supporters. It turns out that the popular candidate (not the populist candidate) for President is not, in fact, a citizen of our great nation. This is a slight problem, because it happens to be a requirement for the job of President. To be specific one must be either a natural born citizen or have been a citizen at the time of the adoption of the Constitution. For those of you wondering, I suspect that the meaning of the second half of that requirement is because the Articles of Confederation had been extant at the time and therefore there was something resembling a United States, even if it has little similarity to the home of the free.

Actually, it’s worse than it seems. He’s illegally holding the office of Senator as well, since one must be a citizen of the United States. As he maintains he is a natural born citizen, I doubt he’s ever been naturalized. Fortunately for those of us with some degree of sanity remaining in our souls, to be a citizen, one must be born in the United States or be naturalized and be subject to the jurisdiction of the United States. It’s a funny old world, but the Fourteenth Amendment does actually set out rules for citizenship.

Does this mean he can’t have been added by Congress (who are given the power to determine the procedure for citizenship)? Not at all. But it does mean that those of us out there who read the Constitution itself instead of our preconceived notions (precious few of us out there and virtually none are the ones who call themselves “originalists”–more on that another time) will find ourselves joyful in knowing that Ted Cruz is on the outs.


Until Next Time,

Professor H.O. Hell

New Hampshire militant busted after buying grenades to bring back ‘the original Constitution’

Daniel E. Musso Sr., 54, of East Kingston, New Hampshire, who wants to get back to the “original Constitution,” was arrested by the FBI on Wednesday after he purchased grenades from an undercover agent, telling him he had another $200,000 on hand to buy C-4 explosives and “rocket-type stuff.”

Here at the Biteme International Headquarters and Hot Dog Emporium, we love the idea of returning to the original constitution. Just think of it:

  • We can own slaves!
  • No more pesky women voters!
  • No more income tax!
  • But poll taxes are back!
  • No more Interstate Highways!
  • And the return of the privately owned toll road!
  • No more Pure Food and Drug Act!
  • No more Sherman Antitrust Act!
  • No more child labor laws!
  • No more Environmental Protection Agency!
  • No more direct voting for Senate!
  • No more Second Amendment!

And, finally, my personal favorite:

  • Unlimited presidential terms for Obama!

Source: New Hampshire militant busted after buying grenades to bring back ‘the original Constitution’

Ooopsie! Obama, Cuomo and De Blasio shut barn door after the cows have left

The East Harlem shelter where a man was nearly decapitated by a mentally-ill resident was raided by cops on the hunt for hidden weapons.

Correction! The Bitemaster saw a headline that refereed to the “DHS” and jumped to the conclusion that it was referring to the Department of Homeland Security. In fact, the article was referring to the NYC Department of Homeless Services. The Bitemaster regrets the error and promises to never, ever make a mistake again.

Now that Deven Black has been murdered at a Harlem homeless shelter, public officials are falling over each other to show that they’re doing something about his tragic death.

Obama sent in the Department of Homeland Security. WTF? The murder was both horrible and senseless but it had nothing to do with national security.

Governor Cuomo ordered the City to post an officer at the shelter until the DHS is done there. What the City needs is more state funding for rent subsidies, shelters and mental health services.  Instead, it gets a meaningless gesture by a Governor whose current preoccupation is with showing that his is bigger than the Mayor’s.

De Blasio has assigned 24/7 peace officers and extra staff at intake centers and residences. This, at least, is useful, if too late for Mr. Black.

The city’s homeless problem goes back over thirty years. Thanks to city and state initiatives, housing for poor people was replaced by housing for the well-to-do, and tens of thousands were ejected from state mental hospitals to fend for themselves on city streets.

It’s a sorry mess, exacerbated by homeless advocates who opposed crackdowns on criminals in the shelters.

Does the Bitemaster have a solution? Not really. But he thinks that the return of Class B Multiple Dwellings (i.e., housing for poor people) and improved mental health services would go a long way. Even if it’s too late to save the life of Deven Black.

Source: DHS cops raid Harlem shelter where man was killed – NY Daily News

Dr. Anjali Ramkissoon learns that the Internet is forever

Dr. Anjali Ramkissoonis a neurology resident employed by Jackson Health System in Miami. In the early hours of Sunday, January 17th, 2016, she was out with friends, called for an Uber car, and when a different passenger’s Uber car arrived, she tried to commandeer it, taking the driver’s keys, tried to punch him in the face, then kneed him in the groin and tried to destroy his car, all the while showing the brattiest, rudest, most entitled behavior possible. In full view of a video camera she bullied him and mocked him for being powerless to stop it. When confronted by the police, she cried and begged and played the “But I’m a doctor!” card to get out of it.

Go to the unofficial Anjali Ramkissoon home page for videos, photos, and more juicy details.

Source: Anjali Ramkissoon

The man who forced the U.K. film board to watch 10 hours of paint drying

Thanks to MrMild, we’ve learned that filmmaker Charlie Lyne made a 10 hour film of paint drying, then raised money on Kickstarter to pay the British Board of Film Classification to watch the damn thing.

Apparently, any movie shown in the UK must be rated by the Board, and getting rated costs about $10 per minute. Once a film is submitted with the proper fee, two examiners sit and watch it while taking notes. They then use those notes to decide on a rating.

You can imagine that Lynn doesn’t like the system, but he’s now forced a pair of those civil servants to sit in a dark screening room in Soho Square and watch 607 minutes of paint drying.

Let’s hoist a pint of warm beer to Charlie Lyne.

PS: The film was rated “U,” meaning “no material likely to offend or harm.”

Source: We talked to the man who forced the U.K. film board to watch 10 hours of paint drying

Rick Santorum wants you to Google him!

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum encouraged viewers to Google him in Thursday’s undercard Republican presidential debate, an unfortunate choice of words that reminded many of his search engine woes fueled by sex columnist Dan Savage.

Is Rick Santorum the stupid candidate or is Rick Santorum the totally insane candidate? It’s getting so that I can’t keep track of the Republicans anymore.

Source: Twitter Melts Down When Rick Santorum Urges: ‘Go And Google’ Me

Biteme exclusive: Cuomo announces for Mayor!

In a move that shocked no one familiar with NY politics, Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced that he is running for Mayor of New York City. Cuomo declared, “I can do the job better than De Blasio. Hell, it could do both the governor’s job and the mayor’s job and still be better than De Blasio.”

When asked what would distinguish his mayoralty, Cuomo pointed out that one of the hardest aspects of the mayor’s job is the city’s dependence on Albany for funding. “I figure if I hold both titles, Mayor Cuomo won’t have to go hat in hand to Governor Cuomo for funding. I’ll have the inside track. It’ll be just two men in a room, not three. The city will get the money it needs and the rest of NY state won’t have to listen to the incessant whining of that big baby, De Blasio.”

As for the future role of Comptroller Scott Stringer, rumor has it that he’ll be Cuomo’s Lt. Mayor running mate.

Republican governor begs Obama for federal bailout

Republican Michigan governor Rick Snyder wants Feds to save Flint Michigan residents from the poisonous drinking water their Tea Party leaders are piping into their homes. Fortunately Obama has a soft heart. If it were up to me, I’d tell them to . . . wait for it . . . BITE ME!

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Planned Parenthood files lawsuit, loses media war

Planned Parenthood filed a federal lawsuit Thursday alleging extensive criminal misconduct by anti-abortion activists Center for Medical Progress, David Daleiden, and Troy Newman, who produced undercover videos targeting the handling of fetal tissue at some Planned Parenthood clinics.

The suit alleges that the activists engaged in a complex criminal enterprise to defraud Planned Parenthood, violated the Racketeer Influence and Corrupt Organization Act (RICO Act), engaged in wire fraud, mail fraud, invasion of privacy, illegal secret recording and trespassing.

So the Bitemaster did a little Internet search to learn more and found only references to suits for fraud filed against Planned Parenthood.

Source: Planned Parenthood files federal lawsuit over undercover videos