Biteme Exclusive: Andrew Cuomo running for Mayor of NYC!

It’s been rumored for months, but now Biteme can exclusively report that our sources have confirmed that New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo is running against NYC Mayor de Blasio this year.

Cuomo has named the campaign organization Fix NYC. A campaign manager has not yet been named, but knowledgeable insiders expect it to be Joe Percoco, if his trial ends in an acquittal. The campaign slogan will be “Vote for Cuomo not the homo..”

Cumo’s key strategy will be to starve the MTA and NYCHA of funds, then blame de Blasio for their failures. The campaign plans to run advertising touting the governor’s many successes, such as preventing radioactive leaks at Indian Point, posturing about safety at homeless shelters, sending state troopers into the City to make it safe for the Peace Loving residents there, ending the scandal of nipples in Times Square, and putting an end to corruption in Albany.

Lawrence O’Donnell embarrasses himself on MSNBC

O’Donnell was speaking with Robert Reich about Trump’s steel tariffs and said that Trump was totally ignorant about economics.

O’Donnell graduated from Harvard with a major in Economics. Trump graduated from Wharton with a B.S. in Economics. Reich studied some Economics in the PPE program at Oxford, but has no Economics degree.

Trump may be (ok. make that “definitely is”) an idiot but, at least on paper. he knows as much economics as O’Donnell or Reich.

The Bitemaster calls “Bullshit!” on O’Donnell.

NRA is now the voice of the Alt-Right culture warriors

The NRA may be quiet in public in the days following the latest mass school shooting—but its online TV outlet has not missed a beat.

Over the past two days, NRA TV has gone after both law enforcement for bungling the shooting and media outlets for calling for more expansive gun laws. Host Dan Bongino accused the New York Daily News of being both “pure filth” and “not worthy of collecting dog excrement”—aka actual filth. Host Dana Loesch called for protesters to march “to the FBI offices” for its failure to act on the numerous reports it received that the shooter, Nikolas Cruz, was dangerous and potentially unstable. Grant Stinchfield, another NRA TV host, added his thoughts on the Fourth Estate on Monday, suggesting reporters were eager for another shooting to push a gun control agenda.

Source: NRA Usually Shuts Up After Mass Shootings. Not This Time.

An honest politician at last: Mark Twain’s campaign promises

“I have pretty much made up my mind to run for president. What the country wants is a candidate who cannot be injured by investigation of his past history, so that the enemies of the party will be unable to rake up anything against him that nobody ever heard of before. If you know the worst about a candidate to begin with, every attempt to spring things on him will be checkmated. Now I am going to enter the field with an open record. I am going to own up in advance to all the wickedness I have done, and if any congressional committee is disposed to prowl around my biography in the hope of discovering any dark and deadly deed that I have secreted, why—let it prowl.

“In the first place, I admit that I treed a rheumatic grandfather of mine in the winter of 1850. He was old and inexpert in climbing trees, but with the heartless brutality that is characteristic of me, I ran him out of the front door in his nightshirt at the point of a shotgun and caused him to bowl up a maple tree, where he remained all night, while I emptied shot into his legs. I did this because he snored. I will do it again if I ever have another grandfather. I am as inhuman now as I was in 1850. I candidly acknowledge that I ran away at the Battle of Gettysburg. My friends have tried to smooth over this fact by asserting that I did so for the purpose of imitating Washington, who went into the woods at Valley Forge for the purpose of saying his prayers. It was a miserable subterfuge. I struck out in a straight line for the Tropic of Cancer, because I was scared. I wanted my country saved, but I preferred to have somebody else save it. I entertain that preference yet. If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon’s mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty. If it is loaded, my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence and go home. My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in. This seems to me to be Napoleonic in its grandeur.

“My financial views are of the most decided character, but they are not likely, perhaps, to increase my popularity with the advocates of inflation. I do not insist upon the special supremacy of rag money or hard money. The great fundamental principle of my life is to take any kind I can get.

“The rumor that I buried a dead aunt under my grapevine was correct. The vine needed fertilizing, my aunt had to be buried, and I dedicated her to this high purpose. Does that unfit me for the presidency? The Constitution of our country does not say so. No other citizen was ever considered unworthy of this office because he enriched his grapevines with his dead relatives. Why should I be selected as the first victim of an absurd prejudice?

“I admit also that I am not a friend of the poor man. I regard the poor man, in his present condition, as so much wasted raw material. Cut up and properly canned, he might be made useful to fatten the natives of the cannibal islands and to improve our export trade with that region. I shall recommend legislation upon the subject in my first message. My campaign cry will be, “Desiccate the poor workingman; stuff him into sausages.”

“These are about the worst parts of my record. On them I come before the country. If my country don’t want me, I will go back again. But I recommend myself as a safe man—a man who starts from the basis of total depravity and proposes to be fiendish to the last.”

Hat-tip to MrMild, who sent this to us in 2012. Unfortunately, mail delivery via yak has been abominable recently. We’re hoping to upgrade to ponies soon.

More fun on the privacy front : Fitbit!

A nosy boss snooping on your off-the-clock peccadilloes may be the least of your worries. Fitness trackers can upload a nearly complete record of where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to …

If you want some privacy in the modern world, join us here in the Transbaikal away from civilization and off the grid. We’ll leave the light on for ya.

Source: Do fitness trackers pose a privacy risk?

How am I doing? — de Blasio edition

The Bitemaster winters in the breathtakingly beautiful Transbaikal where it’s so cold that the politicians keep their hands in the own pockets, where we have to light a fire to thaw out our words just to know what we’re saying, where we measure the ambient temperature in degrees Rankine because it feels warmer (today, it’s 450 degrees Rankine outside).

Though we’re a bit isolated, we do manage to keep up with the news from North America on our short wave radio, thanks to late-night “skip” propagation.

One figure who’s been in the news a lot lately is New York City mayor Bill de Blasio. He’s now in his second term. and here’s how we think he’s been doing:

  • Affordable Housing — this was always a scam. It wasn’t going to happen and it will never happen, unless we repeal the fundamental laws of economics. And de Blasio is smart enough to know he was lying when he made his campaign promises.
  • New York City Housing Authority (NYCHA) — NYCHA houses 400,000 people in 300 developments. The housing stock is aging, and the money from the state and federal governments is drying up. It’s not going to get any better in the near future no matter what de Blasio does.
  • Rikers Island — the Rikers Island jail has an average population of 10,000 inmates. Current plans call for the jail to be closed and the inmates to be housed “in the community.” The idea of closing Rikers is a complete scam. Nobody wants a bunch of prisoners moved from an isolated island to their block. Even if it were to happen, what will they do with the island? It will probably go to Trump for $1.
  • Administration for Children’s Services (ACS) — If ACS takes too many children away from their parents, there’s a hue-and-cry in the media. If they let too many die at home with their parents, there’s also a hue-and-cry. It’s a perpetual “can’t win” and it doesn’t matter how much money you spend, either.
  • Education — every administration claims to have “fixed” the city’s education system but none has succeeded. The problem is not money — the city spends plenty. The problem is that the city has no coherent education policy. Biteme has attempted to fill the void here and elsewhere on this blog.
  • Police — the citizens want to be safe on the streets but don’t want to be harassed (or worse) by the police. It’s a difficult balancing act and I’m not sure any other city has done better.

So how does de Blasio’s report card look? We grade on a pass-fail system and give him a “pass.”

D.A. (“Dumb Ass”) Cyrus Vance bows to the mighty Biteme.ME

Following a blistering series of blog posts here at Biteme.ME, New York County District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr., has capitulated and agreed to stop taking campaign contributions from attorneys who have cases before him.

When reached for comment, Jerome Biteman, Executive Editor at Biteme Worldwide Media Holdings, said, “It’s about fucking time.”

See the ABA Journal article.