Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s Minister of Truth, said, “This proves that Americans need more automatic weapons.”
Alex Jones of Infowars said the shooting was a “false flag” operation designed to make the Alt Right look bad. “The whole thing was staged by Hillary Clinton’s ‘deep state’ operatives, operating out of a pedophile pizzeria in D.C.”
ISIS issues statement: “It was us. Really. Hello, anybody listening?”
San Juan mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz said, “I’ll hoist a Confederate flag and pledge allegiance to that asshole Trump if he’d just send us some fucking help.”
Jews everywhere whisper to one another, “thank God he wasn’t Jewish.”
Blacks everywhere whisper to one another, “thank God he wasn’t black.”
Muslims everywhere whisper to one another, “thank God he wasn’t Muslim.
The Bitemaster said, “This just goes to prove that whatever I said was correct.”